Birdbox – For the Birds

Rating (1.5 out of 5)

Summary:  Why on earth is everyone talking about “Bird Box” movie? “Bird Box” is absolute nonsense and a waste of my time. Any positives (and they are hard to find) from the beginning of the movie are outweighed by the extremely horrible and poorly executed ending. The rushed ending is filmed as though they were down to the last canister of film and had to wrap up filming or they wouldn’t have an end.

If you don’t believe my negative review, check out Eddie’s review.

Read on if you must, but “Bird Box” is another Netflix stinker.

Plot:  Invisible creatures kill humans by convincing them to commit suicide by staring into their eyes. A few humans don’t commit suicide but think the creatures are so beautiful, they force others to look at the creatures. Our hero, Malorie (Sandra Bullock) is reluctantly pregnant and one of the survivors taking refuge in a house. How will they ever survive?

Detail:  SPOILERS COMING The introduction wasn’t so bad. I entered the movie with an open mind and joined in the fun as the world falls apart around Malorie and she finds shelter in the house. There are about 8 or 9 people who stumble into the house seeking shelter. You have the full range of characters:

  • Angry man – John Malkovich
  • Smart man – BD Wong
  • Tough Man – Trevante Rhodes
  • Tough Chica – Rosa Salazar
  • Wise Old Woman – Jacki Weaver
  • Funny Man – Rel
  • Fellow Pregnant – Danielle Macdonald

They go through all the standard Hollywood group apocalypse stages. Even the trip to the supermarket to obtain much-needed food, where they carefully navigate 5 blocks in the plush SUV without visibility to the exterior world. Driving over dead bodies (speed bumps) and avoiding crashing into abandoned cars in the street. The car sensors go off when the creatures are nearby. They also discover birds (yes they find them in the grocery store) act as an early warning system. Decent but no different than hundreds of other scripts.

The flashback from 5 years is interspersed with scenes from the current time. In the current timeline, Malorie and the two kids undertake a treacherous journey down a river to reach sanctuary.

Back in the past, as with any apocalypse movie, some innocent but foolish person makes an obviously horrible decision and almost everyone dies in the house. Based on the current day scenes, the death of everyone wasn’t entirely unexpected, but you do roll your eyes at how basic the script is written. So the whole time the movie switches back and forth between 5-years ago and today….but once all the refugees in the house die, you are transported 5 years in the future. I guess those 4 years weren’t important.

Entertained, okay, doing alright through here…..probably a 3 out of 5.

Malorie, the two kids and Tom (Trevante Rhodes) survived 5 years together. Malorie hasn’t aged a day and Tom is still ripped. How in 5 years of hiding out have they achieved to maintain muscle mass and perfect hair? Despite their 20 year age difference, it is the end of the world, so of course, they hook up.

So Malorie has not given the children names. She calls them Boy and Girl. No matter what explanation you through at us about Malorie’s background, the names are just silly. The boy is her son and the girl was from the other pregnant woman who didn’t survive the house. Tom and Malorie have a silly argument about hopes and dreams and the children having names. Alright, silly but I will continue and stay with y’all.

They have to navigate a river blindfolded, and on the river, there is a set of rapids. The sanctuary person on the walkie-talkie described the journey and how many people have been lost to the rapids (oh tension builder, not). So Malorie, Boy, and Girl head down the rapids, without life preservers and a box of birds. The boat eventually turns over, but miraculously they all survive. Boy, Girl, the box of birds…. I am starting to lose my patience now…. 2.5 out of 5.

Cold and wet, the haggard group walks blindfolded up into the forest from the river bank to the wall by listening for the sound of birds. There is a whole sequence where the mysterious invisible creatures are beading down upon them. The children almost take off their blindfolds, but phew they didn’t. They eventually find the wall. The film didn’t layout a prior form of physical contact with the creatures and they had no justifiable reason to fear them physically. An empty attempt to create an intense finish to a rather dull film was laughable if not pathetic.

Then they get to the building, and then basically the whole movie fell right apart.

The building is a school for the blind. Just so happens, the school is structured with a large ivy-covered private courtyard with hundreds of birds. Not only do we find sanctuary but the OB-GYN Malorie visited on the day of the apocalypse is there… WTF man. How stupid was all of that?

WTF, I am done, 1.5 out of 5.

We never receive an explanation of the creatures, although Rel gives some weird mythological tale at the beginning of the movie. Why humans are affected in one way versus another? “Bird Box” doesn’t clarify why the creatures can’t enter a building? Why physical barriers prevent them from entering? They are picked up by a car sensor but doors stop them? Nothing. Stupid on top of stupid.

On a bright note, I did like Danielle MacDonald and will go watch her other movies.